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Best Sarcastic jokes 2019

 Sarcastic Jokes

I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy and my face smashes right into the mirror.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
If you’re here, who’s running hell?
I swear I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth again.
Would you like to dance? No? You must’ve misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants.
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face looks kind of funky.
If I promise to miss you, will you go, like, really far away?
Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?
Take my advice — it’s not like I’m dumb enough to.
Light travels faster than sound, which is why people like you appear bright—until they open their mouths.
Did something bad happen to you, or are you just naturally this terrible of a person?
If at first you don’t succeed, stop trying already. You’re probably dumb.
My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me. When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.
You might love your life, but I think it just wants to be friends.
I always tell new hires, “Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.”
Why0 is it that everything you love is either unhealthy, addictive, or has multiple restraining orders against you?
When I see ads on TV featuring smiley housewives using some new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they’re clearly on.
Those of you who think you know it all are really annoying to those of us who do.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Hear that? It’s the sound of you not talking for once.
I’m pretty sure I married someone else’s soulmate. If only they’d come around and take him off my hands.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I got drunk.
Why do people make end-of-the-world jokes like there’s no tomorrow?
Your opinion is very important to me. Please stay on the line until you hear the beep for voicemail.
Hi there, I’m human. What are you?
Always remember: You’re just as unique as everybody else.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground.
I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it since you’re not that bright.
If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
Please tell me this train of thought you’re on has a caboose.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face—once you shove them down the stairs, that is.
If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something bad. If you see me laughing, it’s because I already have.
The sooner I shoot you, the sooner I’ll get out of jail for it. Don’t assume that’s not a major incentive.
This obviously isn’t working out. I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways and start making other people miserable.
If you need so much space, there’s always NASA.
They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts already.
Your mind might want to dance, but your body is a really awkward white guy.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Sorry, my dog ate your text again.
Would you rather have a million bucks, or [insert name]’s head full of nickels?
Oh, I didn’t tell you? Must be none of your business then.
So many freaks, so few circuses.
If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard.
I have as much authority as the Pope. There just aren’t as many people who believe it.
Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.
I’d be fine if there weren’t so much blood in my alcohol system.
Masturbation is like procrastination—it’s all good fun until you realize you’re just fucking yourself.

 Sarcastic Jokes On Friends

Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Hurry up and clean the house! We don’t want people to think we actually live the way we actually live!
Grammar: the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
They say you are what you eat, but it’s funny, because I don’t remember eating a f***ing legend.
Dear Lord, please let there be a zombie apocalypse so I can start shooting all these motherf***ers in the face.
Marriage basically consists of 3 f***ing rings: Engagement ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
I judge people due to their taste in music.
You are entitled to have an opinion. I am just letting you know that it is stupid.
You have a right to your opinion, and I have a right to tell you how f***ing stupid it is.
I want to like people, but they’re just so f***ing stupid.
I can’t wait to see you wearing nothing but a condom.
Dear life, when I asked if my day could get worse, it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
I’m not anti-social, I’m anti-stupid.
You make me wish I had more middle fingers.
You ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.
Keeping your job is the new raise.
The best thing about you and me is me.
No, no, no. I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you.
Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.
I don’t fart. I whisper in my panties.
You should stop worrying about your weight and start worrying about your boring personality.
It’s not you, it’s my horrible choice in men.
I admire your relentless drive to further your education and avoid real work.
Of course women don’t work as hard as men… They get it right the first time.

 Sarcastic Jokes For Adults

“You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”
“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”
“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”
“Are you always so stupid or is today a special ocassion?”
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”
“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”
“If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”
“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
“Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
“Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”
“Find your patience before I lose mine.”
“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.”
“Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
“Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
“Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”
“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”
“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”
“Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.”
“Fighting with me is like being in the special olympics. You may win, but in the end you’re still a retard.”
“Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”
“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”
“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”
“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”
“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”
“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
“I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
“That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”
“Life’s good, you should get one.”